Day 88: Quitting Desteni – or rather not?

I woke up this morning having this thought about Desteni in my mind that I wanted to capture. I was still sleepy but I got up to write it down.

The thought was to give up Desteni. Human Design tells us to not follow the mind and to not make any decisions from the mind. In my Journey-to-life blogs I always make decisions from the mind. At least I did and I am not sure whether or not it is possible to make decisions as myself (according to HD) when it comes to formulating any of those commitment statements.

It is certainly possible to write self-forgiveness statements because these actually reveal the conditioning we fell prey to over our lifetimes. Those statements are an indication of awareness of such conditioning and this awareness, this mind-fullness, comes into our awareness through the mind. So stopping certain behaviors, for example stopping the backchat in the mind and ceasing to make commitments of any kind, or of a certain kind, is based on such awareness, even though it is also a decision coming from the mind. So my issue is quite tricky here. How can I make a decision from the mind to stop making further commitments without using the mind? Impossible.

Does that mean I can continue making self-commitment statements in my JTL blogs? No, I can’t. I realize that making such statements has kept me in a downward spiral that got worse and worse, raising a lot of anxieties about what to do and what not, how to behave in such a cruel world and how to fix it, how to do what is best for all. But his is all mind-talk, self-talk in the mind, fully conditioned from the past. The stronghold of my mind over my thinking process and my entire life got stronger and stronger thinking about all of this, and with each such commitment statement that I made in my blogs it got worse until I could not continue my writings. I stopped writing my blogs. For 8 months in a row I have not written a new blog. I just could not because I feared my mind would again grip me and like so many times before I would be falling into all kinds of doubt, fear and negative emotions based on the commitments I would make, most of which I could not hold on to in the past. I did not want that again. I was too afraid to lose control again (but it happened anyway, even without continuing my JTL-blog and my commitment statements. What a joke)!

So the first thought today was putting an official end to writing my journey-to-life blog, release myself from its grip, stating exactly this in a last blog, and then leave it once and for all.

But then, on the other hand, the self-forgiveness statements are something I consider very worthwhile and important. They reveal and show the minds ideas that I have accepted and allowed to direct my life. And then again, stopping this, stopping the mind to allow making decision for myself, is a decision from the mind. But it needs to be made. This is one last and final commitment that I have to carry out if I really want to change the way I operate in this life according to what Human Design teaches. And I want to do what Human Design teaches. I want to stop making decision from the mind and instead live the life that is correct for me. I want to do it because all else failed and because Human Design seems to bring the only solution, which lies in making decisions as myself based on my strategy and authority.

In following my strategy and authority I may go against some of Desteni’s principles, for example the principle of doing what is best for all. And then I may not. Maybe I am actually doing what is best for all when I am able to act and behave in the way that is correct for me, instead of making decisions from the conditioned mind, and thus give an example for others to do the same. This of course in an experiment and only the future can tell where it leads. But at any rate, making decisions from my mind has not worked for me and I believe it has not worked for anybody else either. Today’s world shows us the effects of this. The state of the world is pure madness and insanity and it is all based on good intentions coming from the mind, which allowed this condition to appear and turn the world into the mess it is in right now. I don’t see how the mind could get us out of this mess. It could not get me out of the mess of my life and I do indeed believe that it won’t be able to get humanity out of its mess either. If we continue making decisions from our minds instead from our strategy and authority, things will just get worse. This is why I must, and will, stop the mind. I will not stop using it, or writing about it, but I will stop allowing it to make decisions for me.

Interestingly, the Desteni Wiki says the following about the subconscious mind, which is quite in accordance, although not fully, with the teachings of Human Design about the personality structure.

Quote:

Subconscious Mind

The Subconscious Mind is part of the Mind Consciousness System design and consists of and exists as the downloaded information transferred into and as us from our parents and the generations that have gone before us.

The Mind Consciousness System is inserted into the human physical body as the baby is developing. While this occurs, a transfer is created where downloaded information from the mother’s and the father’s Subconscious Mind and their parents before them, an entire “family tree”, is transferred into the Mind Consciousness System of the baby. This is what is referred to as “the sins of the fathers”.

The Subconscious Mind thus consist of all the downloaded information from the past generations and as the child grows up, from the Subconscious Mind the Unconscious Mind is developed. The Conscious Mind is activated as the child starts participating in the world and the downloaded information from the Subconscious Mind becomes the child’s personality through which it designs his or her own personality. From there thoughts start manifesting.

This is then what the child start forming itself according to, all the information it sees in the world, TV, media, school, teachers and it is from the subconscious mind that the child develops its personality.

There is no such thing as an “individual personality” as all personalities are based on and copied from the personalities of those that have gone before them, as parents and family members.

It is through this system design of the “sins of the fathers” that the system continues to exist through and as us as human beings – and through which we remain enslaved to literally live and exist in the past.

So also in Desteni, there is a huge emphasis on stopping the mind, and stopping our conditioning. But instead of using our strategy and authority Desteni emphasizes physical action as the only solution to the worlds problems. I am not sure there is really a difference between the idea of physical action and making decisions from the Self (in Human Design), because any decision will lead to physical action. It just depends on how we make the decision.

I do see the value in physical action to change the world but if decisions about those action are rooted in the conditioned mind they won’t help and instead just make things worse, which is what is happening right now and which has happened for thousands of years since the beginning of using the mind to make decisions. Yes, the mind allowed us to survive and become the dominant species on earth, but at what cost? We are at a point in time where we have to admit that our actions achieved a level of insanity that will run everything into the ground if continued. We are at a great risk of annihilating not only ourselves, but all life on earth. This needs to stop and the mind cannot help here. Maybe physical action can. I am not saying it can’t. But I had to realize that I can only do so much before I burn out and give up. I cannot save the world. I cannot even save one other being. I am not even sure if I can save myself from my own insanity.

Following Desteni’s message and a couple of other teachings I tried to purchase land and become self-sufficient, because I thought that by doing so I could run my life in accordance with nature and by not paying taxes and thus unwillingly support the state with all its mad spending for unnecessary bureaucracy, corruption, exploitation of people and natural resources, weapons and war. But I was not able to. I could not do it. I don’t have the energy to do it or I lack the will. I am not sure about this. And I am not a farmer. I just ain’t, no matter how much I would like to be one and restore the earth to its former pristine state.

This is one example for my inability to act in the physical in the way my mind tells me to.

Then I stumble upon Human Design and it tells me that projectors like me are not here to work, but to guide. A new path opens up before me and for the first time I recognize myself clearly in the projector description of Human Design. The amazing thing about HD was for me that it indeed was able to explain most of my previous life experiences, including my attempts, wishes and desires to change my life in a certain direction, most of which (like becoming self-sufficient or do what is best for all) came from my programmed mind and had nothing to do with me.

I am not saying that becoming self-sufficient or doing what is best for all is wrong. All I am saying is that I cannot commit to it. My mind tells me it would be important to do so but I can’t do it, for whatever reason, and this realization made me sick. It made me feel unworthy, depressed, and almost suicidal to realize that I don’t have the energy for it or lack the courage and will.

Some would say that allowing myself to accept the idea that I am not here to work but to guide, as Human Design proclaims, is just an escape route for me, allowing me to take the easy way out by allowing myself to accept a convenient explanation, allowing to not muster the effort and energy to act in the physical in a way that is best for all life. And maybe it is just that. Maybe it is just too hard for me to go that way. Maybe I am too spoiled for that. Maybe this is my mind in action. But it is certainly of no use for anyone if I get depressed about this fact and stop doing anything other than trying to wrap my mind around the fact that I am having trouble with it.

• So, should I act in the physical, like Desteni says?
• Should I act from my strategy and authority like Human Design tells me?
• Should I do, maybe, both?
• Should I do, maybe, something else?
• Should I stop asking myself questions like these and get irritated by them?
• What SHOULD I do?
• SHOULD I, maybe, stop my mind?
• SHOULD I, maybe, stop thinking about all those SHOULD’s?

In another Desteni wiki (https://wiki.desteni.org/index.php?title=Mind_Possession/Backchat/Voices_in_the_Head), I found the following quote (italics mine):

Perspective

So – the question is: Are you going to continue to allow yourself to be controlled by ‘a voice’ in the head or are you going to stand up and say: ‘Till here no further? YOU must take your power and stop the ‘voices’ – stop the ‘thoughts’ because you are accepting and allowing them to continue in your mind. (comment: I don’t think these voices can be stopped. But I can stop making decision based on them, which is what Human Design teaches)

The mind cannot exist without participation – STOP playing mind games with yourself. STOP playing tennis – hitting the ball back and forth – back and forth. How do you stop? Throw down the racquet and walk off the court – stop the thoughts and voices and get out of your mind.

Must I personally come to you and give you some extensive ass-cramps to give you something else to be ‘concerned’ about – to get you ‘out of’ your mind?

• I forgive myself that I have allowed this voice to ‘hound’ my mind.
• I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to be a slave to the voice in my mind. (comment: yes, that what Human Design also tells us: stop following the mind!)
• I forgive myself that I have actually allowed myself to believe that this voice is me.
• I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to be subject to the voice in my mind.
• I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to exist within the polarities of my mind as the voices: ‘paint, paint, paint, paint, paint’ and ‘calm down you don’t need to paint’.
• I forgive myself that I haven’t allowed myself to realize that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist in the polarities of my mind.
• I forgive myself that I haven’t allowed myself to realize that I have allowed my mind as polarity to direct me instead of me directing myself.
• I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to react to the voice in my mind. (comment: here again exactly the same as in Human Design)
• I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to dis-empower myself through giving my power away to the voice in my mind.
• I forgive myself that I haven’t allowed myself to realize that I must stop the entire polarity equation of the voice in my mind.
• I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to give the voice in my head power and control over me. (comment: here again the same message as in Human Design)
• I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to be controlled, directed and influenced by a voice in my mind. (comment: and again HD here)
• I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to wish it’ll go away instead of me standing up and saying STOP to both polarity sentences of: ‘paint, paint, paint, paint, paint’ and ‘calm down you don’t need to paint’.
• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself according to the voice in my mind.
• I forgive myself that I have actually allowed myself to listen to and consider the voice in my mind.

So – realize that the voice is not you – STOP through self-forgiveness and self-honesty and self-application in every moment.

• I forgive myself that I have allowed a voice in my mind to tell me who I am and how I must experience and express myself.

I suggest you watch the video on Leonardo da Vinci – it’ll assist you.”

So maybe the teachings of Desteni and Human Design are not as far apart as I initially thought and it is just my mind that is the problem, telling me it is? It is so funny that while wanting to put an end to my work with Desteni today, the exact opposite happened. How is that possible?

I started out with a completely different idea this morning but things turned around while writing. So again, the writing itself brought about more clarity by putting the words down in front of me to actually physically see them on the screen in front of me and re-evaluating them.

What came to mind then was that Desteni also speaks a lot about stopping the ceaseless mind-talk and operating from SELF instead of mind. I did never really realize this and instead got hung up very much on the commitment-statements, which really brought up a lot of anxiety and concern and difficulty for me. This I already stated on Day 85, when at looking back over the blogs from the past years I realized how little I changed and that I still carried along the same old patterns, concern, and behaviors as ever before, despite making a ton of commitments stating something else. That was a tough thing to see and it was possible only through writing and re-reading what I wrote that I could actually see that at all. And in one of the Desteni-wikis about the mind/consciousness system (https://wiki.desteni.org/index.php?title=Mind_Consciousness_System) it says even (EMPHASIS mine):

“Therefore it is suggested to WRITE ABOUT THE PAST, and as you write – to apply self-forgiveness – for you yourself to realize how much of the past is actually determining and influencing ‘who you are’ at this moment. So, you always exist in past and in future which manifest the now/present which is the construct of the unified consciousness field of the mind – TRAPPED AND ENSLAVED WITHIN THE PAST of what happened and the future of what might possibly happen – NOT ACTUALLY LIVING SELF HERE in and as breath.”

This is not so different from what Human Design emphasizes when it emphasizes to live as SELF and not as mind, just put into different words. But it may actually mean quite the same. This is so revealing to me.

• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let my mind run my life.
• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to base decisions on what my mind tells me.
• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see that in trying to stop my mind I was actually giving it more power, accepting all kinds of ideas coming from the mind, telling me how to stop it, what to do and what not, and thus not realizing that by doing so I was actually reinforcing its power over me.
• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become scared of making of commitments instead of realizing that the commitments I made were wrong for me, because by coming from my mind they would just reinforce the power of my mind over my decision making process, which would thus then never stop and only become stronger, which was exactly what happened.

• I commit myself to stop allowing the mind to make decisions for me.
• I commit myself to using my mind as an outer authority only, in the interaction with others, but never again allow it to act as my inner authority, making decision for me or as me.
• I commit myself to stick to my inner authority, as defined in Human Design, for making decisions for me and evaluate whether or not this indeed will lead to making the correct decisions for me, as Human Design claims.