Day 27: My Relationship with Money – Nothing has changed in a year

It has been a year since I last wrote here. And that year was wasted with concerns about money. Essentially I was worried about keeping my assets, which for me meant keeping my boat afloat through upgrades and investments. These have consumed large amounts of money and I spent that money only to not lose my boat and also installing major upgrades to make it safer, easier to sail, and more appealing to guests through which I hope to generate enough income to survive for me an my girlfriend.

The idea behind purchasing this old boat was to become self-independent and sovereign in the way I live here on earth. I did not want to remain dependent on a job somebody else offererd me, just to make THEM richer and play by THEIR rules. I wanted to live on my own terms, which meant for me selling sailing tours to customers who would pay for my life and cover my expenses through charter fees. To make a long story short, the opposite happened. I spent much more money on maintaining my boat than I made in a year and now I even face regulatory problems. I am not allowed to offer tours for money because the boat does not have the required certificate for commercial operation. I avoided to look at this problem for quite some time now but ignoring it does not solve anything.

I begin to realize that my attempts to live on my own terms do not have much, if anything, to do with what is best for all. The boat and the income I could eventually generate through chartered cruises does not have any benefit for humankind except for myself and perhaps those who enjoy the trips they pay for. And I struggle to keep the boat and me afloat  financially. So in the end, what I own (the boat) owns me and I am wasting my time and money caring for the boat which, at least in its current state, does not offer any value to me, the human family, earth, or its inahbitants. It is rather the other way around. It offers only benefit to those who deplete my life energy through unnecessary rules and regulations or who are having a good time onboard without adding any value except the money they spent for the trip, which in turn does not ever cover 10% of my annual expenses.

So I have to admit that this concept does not work financially, meaning that it does not allow me to rest on what I have, provide economic freedom, or allow me to be lazy and enjoy life. And this in and of itself is not even a bad thing as I do not enjoy fixing the boat over the winter months only to see it falling apart again throughout the next summer, nor do I enjoy hosting paying customers who are boring and lazy agents of the control matrix wich do not engage in any meaningful conversation but complain about the expenses and the service onboard.

When I look at what bothers them (the expenses and the meaninglessness of it all) I realize that this is quite an accurate reflection of my take on it as well. I believe that the entire endeavour (this living on the boat) is meaningless and a waste of money and energy. There is no value attached to what I am doing and this made me sad for quite a long time. The demands asscoiated with keeping the boat afloat are so high that I have not even had time to write a blog for over a year now. This was a choice I made based on the felt need for money and in the hope that I would not lose all my money by losing the boat due to neglection.

What I can see now quite clearly is that I was driven by concerns about money from the day I bought the boat (and honestly even before that) until this very moment. I am not sure that I am over this point already as the money issues comes up over and over again in my life, almost constantly. But I refuse to take on a paying job and contribute to this prison systems of taxes and regulations as it exists in Germany. Where this refusal comes from I cannot really tell. But it is so strong that I would rather die than take on a job that enslaves me, all the while I see that I am enslaved by owning my boat anyway.

But I do not want to be ensalved, economically or otherwise, and I realize that nobody wants this even though we all are. So what can be done about it? What can I do about it? I have, and will, look at this point more deeply in order to find a way to deal with this issue. I know that I have said this for over a year now and the fact that my money issues are still present shows me how ineffective this was. I understand that as the issue persists in my life I must have some blockages or resistances in me that prevent me from seeing the issue more clearly. I certainly have missed, or refused to see, one or more very important points and I commit to bring them to light.

• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to enslave myself to the idea of making money instead of looking inside and figure out why I believe this is so important for me.
• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself for money to still play a determing role in my life.
• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to submit to the God of money and thus denying my inner life-supporting impulses.
• I commit myself to look deeper into my psychologiyl dependence on money and the implications this brings into my life.
• I commit myself to investigate how I can better serve the common good and what is best for all instead of concerning myself about money and my economic survival in this world.
• I commit myself to consider what is best for all more often instead of considering only what is best for me.