Day 84: Stopping the abuse of life–who do I trust?

Towards the end of last year I became more and more aware of the fact that I was looking for truth and wisdom mostly, if not exclusively, outside of myself and that I actually had no inner knowledge whatsoever of myself and by myself, or very little at least. All I knew seemed to have its origins elsewhere. For example in the books and blogs I read (which was a lot), in the opinions of others, in my cultural conditioning and what I thus had accepted about the truth of the world and life itself by others. And even though I had suspected this for quite some time, it became a strong conviction and I wanted to stop being manipulated by others, no matter who and even including God. I meditated often and for extended periods of time in the hopes that some insight would come but it did not.

In my despair I searched for tools that I could perhaps use that would not give me another foreign opinion about the world. I was looking for tools that would allow me access to myself without carrying any possibility of being manipulated by dark forces or any forces I was not aware of. And I found two: one was magic mushrooms and the other the tarot. With both I was sure that I would find out more about who I accepted to be, perhaps how I hade reached this acceptance of myself through my own consent, what my underlying motives for such acceptance had been, and what my own ideas about this life, this world and myself would be.

The first couple of shroom trips were simply devastating, to say the least. I could not believe what I was told as it was destroying most, if not all, of my cherished believes about myself and what was going on here on earth. I know that the messages were initially tainted by my own beliefs, which were not really my own to begin with, as I had adopted them trough my readings my cultural upbringing. But the shrooms began to make this kind of self-deception very clear to me in each following trip. Their message was not going away at all and it becoming clearer every time. In short it came down to this: “you MUST stop your behavior. You are not treating earth as you should. You are a guest here, actually you are an invader, and we don’t want you here. You destroy all life on earth and that is why we (life itself) have to stop you! So either you begin to obey the rules of life on this planet, or you WILL go! Since you are here, we offer you this final choice. But only if you will accept life here and honor it, will be able to stay”. Reminds me a lot of the movie “Avatar”, where the invaders are finally getting kicked off the planet. Anyway, this message came through every time with more clarity and force. It was the basic essence contained in each trip, even though there was often a lot of detail and further explanation coming along with it. And often times it showed me so shockingly me my destructive behavior that I was drenched in tears and had difficulty going on with life. But the message began to take effect. And I trusted it, because it came from a fungus grown in nature. Can you believe that? From a fungus? I could not believe that this fungus could have a personal agenda of its own that would try to trick me in one way or another to serve its agenda. But obviously it did exactly that And that was okay because its agenda was the furthering and honoring of life here on this planet and it was giving me a choice to join in or leave this rock once and for all.

Well, that message got to me. It really got to me. And I have the impression that it was here all along during my entire life. I just did not listen until things began to change back in 2009. And I am quite sure that I came into this life with an awareness of this message too.

Funnily enough, the Tarot readings I did, even though I am a beginner, began to give me additional clues, pointing exactly in the same direction. This was fascinating. However, the Tarot brought me more in touch with my blockages and my self-deception and the reasons for rejecting those messages I received during my trips. It brought me in touch with all the excuses I was making to convince myself that what the shrooms had told me was not really something I absolutely had to consider as there were other options still available to me, other paths to explore. But no, the shrooms were very straight about it. There is no other way! I have to stop! Period. All else was a lame excuse to protect the system. And the Tarot showed me this. And now I do listen.

So now, with the 3-of-swords drawn today, I see this more clearly than ever before. And it does come with a couple of decisions I have been postponing for long enough.

• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hide behind uncertainty and confusion when I received certain recurring and clear messages in my shroom trips.
• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to disregard the messages I received and reject them as a “bad trip” because their implications would be to difficult to accept.
• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into despair when rejecting these messages.
• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compromise myself and my integrity when rejecting these messages.
• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the change that I require of myself because it may cause hardships and loss of comfort.
• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to come up, though study, with excuses for myself so that I would not have to change in a way that I believe is best for all.
• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not take the steps that I know I must take because that will cause a radical change in how I live today.
• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to postpone taking action in the direction in need to go for years and years even though I was seeing that this would lead me nowhere except into despair and loss of integrity until the point would come where I could not bear this any longer, which is now.
• I commit myself to implement my new life beginning now.
• I commit myself to stop doing harm to this world beginning now.
• I commit myself to stop using the internet, after cleaning up my presence there.
• I commit myself to stop using the internet because I realize that it always pulls me back from my understanding about myself and this world, so that I do not live according to this understanding, and thus compromise my integrity in the hopes of finding new information on the internet that would allow me to avoid implementing the changes in my life that I need to implement in order to honor all life.
• I commit myself to implement a life that is the least harmful to the environment and honors all life as much as possible.
• I commit myself to cut down on the use of electronic media, electric consumption, oil consumption, environmental pollution and all other behaviors that connect me to the parasitic and destructive “system”.

Day 83: The pursuit of Perfection–a humbling experience

When I look at some of the other Journey-to-life blogs and the Desteni material collection in general I wonder who it was that has made this enormous effort to put it all out there for us. I find it well explained and well presented too. And its a huge collection. I see the same good and serious work on many other sites on the web as well, whereas my writing is generally still very scattered, unorganized, and often times sloppy.

I attribute this to the fact that I feel very often pushed to do it quick. I don’t know why this is so, but this feeling for the need to rush things, to go quickly from one place to another, to change now, just to get it done and have my head free for the next thing to contemplate, is very present in my life. It seems, however, that is rush is only felt when it comes to physical action, including a walk in the woods. But it applies to my writing as well.

On the other hand I am often very lazy, spending hours meditating, just pondering, reading, listening to my thoughts, not doing anything else except contemplating my life and writing my thoughts down for myself in my diary. But putting it out on the web requires additional effort that seems to steal my time away from further contemplations that I so cherish. So there would be a lot of time to actually get things physically done, but there is often very litte impulse to do so. Actually, I have to force myself to do it. And then, when I actually do something physically, I want to finish it quickly so that I can return to my private contemplations.

• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed my mind to control my behavior in such a way as to feel and consider physical action as stealing away my precious time from more important contemplations that I have to make and to which I urgently need to return to.
• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed my mind to find a lot of pleasure and internal peace when contemplating life.
• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to indulge in contemplations about life rather than acting physically in this world to change things for the better.
• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself of shun the company of others so that I can return to my contemplations and not be disturbed by their presence.
• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give more value to what I read in books or what is going in my own mind than to consider what most other people have to say about the things that bother them.
• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to consider most, if not all, activities that are carried out by the people in my immediate environment to be worthless and unimportant when it comes to bringing about a world that is best-for-all.
• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to indulge in my own contemplations about what is best-for-all-life in private, rather than speaking openly about it so that other people can acutally enter into a dialogue with me into these questions, if they choose to do so.
• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not regard my writing as an important physical action and thus judge the time I need for contemplating the points I want to make in my writing as a waste of time, that keeps me away from more important things to do (like growing my own food), even though I feel that it is the other way round and I acutally feel that the time in the garden takes percious time away from my writing.
• I commit myself to give equal consideration to my writing and my work in the garden and regard my writing as an important physical acitviy that is well worth doing.
• I commit myself to not let myself be pushed by the idea that I need to act physically in my garden, have to take a walk in the woods, or do some other physical activity to get out of my mind, before I am finished with my contemplations.
• I commit myself to contemplate a point that bothers me until it has come to such clarity within myself, that I actually can write or speak about it in clear words.
• I commit myself to not contemplate a point that bothers me until it has reached a point of unquestionable ultimate clarity within myself as that would mean I will never write as there will always be something else to contemplate about this point so that I will never achieve the ulitmate clarity and thus never write.
• I commit myself to not want to perfect in my writing, neither in clarity nor form, as perfection can never be achieved.
• I commit myself to share my process openly and understand it is a process that will never end and thus always remains imperfect.
• I commit myself to give more attention to my public appearance on the web and in real life and do not hide my interests, struggles, and contemplations from anyone any longer.
• I commit myself to improve the quality of my writing rather than feeling pushed to turn out a lot of stuff so that people recognize me better.
• I commit myself to not write for others, but for me, because I write about my process and sorting out various difficult issues about myself may require time and effort.
• I commit myself to net let me be bogged down if on some days I don’t have much to write about at all because I am still caught up in an internal process that needs to break through the surface of my awarness before I can talk/write about it clearly enought to make a point.
• I commit myself to regard my writing as an important from of physical action in this world, equally important as other types of physical work (for example work in the garden, or a walk in the woods) as long as it is made as clear as possible and I am happy with the outcomes of my writing so that I can release it into the public because it truly represent the awareness of me as expressed in my words and also truly reflects who I AM at this point in my life (which is unavoidable anyway, because my actions/inactions ALWAYS give an accurate reflection of who I currently AM).

Day 82: Mission Statement and Plan of Action

After having had this deep revelation about my self-deception yesterday, I found that the commitments I had made on Day 81 are not specific enough for me to guide me through the day. This is particularly a problem in a situation in which I live alone with no people to connect with, as in my current situation. So what I need is a plan for the day that is in line with the commitments I have made and also in line with what is best for all. So this daily plan cant be to strict as it needs to allow responding to unpredicted events of importance to the overall mission. But it needs to be there for guidance in idle times, which happen quite often during these cold winter days when working in the garden is not possible yet.

• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become idle during large periods throughout the day.
• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify myself being idle by using certain argumentations that will only bring me back into my habitual behaviors instead of keeping me focused on my mission.
• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to stop my process by making some useful commitments (see day 81) without specifying a number of important steps on how to achieve these commitments through action in my daily life.
• I commit myself to work out a mission statement for myself that is in line with the commitments I have made on day 81.
• I commit myself to work out a plan of action, listing 5-10 actions that I will carry in order to achieve my mission and fulfill the commitments I have made.
• I commit myself to publishing my mission statement on my Journey-to-Life blog-site at reiseinsleben.axels.life
• I commit myself, for the time being, to return to writing in english as this suits me more and because it might actually reach more people than my writing in German.
• I commit myself to translating my own journey-to-life blogs as well as several from the Desteni site into German and publish the translations on my site in order to bring more awareness of the Desteni materials to the german-speaking community.

Day 81: Backed up against the wall of my own illusions

Two days ago, on Jan 1, 2021, I embarked on a 78-Day Tarot-Challenge in order to get in touch with my inner process. I wanted to use the Tarot particularly to find out more about the driving forces that I had allowed to direct my life and hoped that through studying the Tarot I would become better able to use my intuition more clearly as I was sensing that I could not trust my mind any longer. Actually, whenever I thought I had understood something through my mind about me and my process, it turned out to be a lie. A lie to myself, hidden behind all those good reasons and my so-called understanding. But actually, the truth of the matter is that I never understood anything and understand nothing yet. My mind was and obviously still is so cunning that I cannot believe any of what it has to say. Whenever I believed that this time “I really got it” – I had to find out, sooner or later, that I was self-deceiving myself again and again and again. It never stopped. All my convictions, plans, commitments, nothing but lies. They never stood the test of time, not even for a few days. It was only a great self-deception, putting only my self-interest out there, justifying it with all sorts of “good reasons” that I did not need to actually change – yet, and always hiding the true reason, which was my self-intererst to remain what I was and my incapacity to change to live a harmless and life-supporting life.

Even the first Tarot reading showed me this. I pulled the 7-of-wands which shows a man backed up against the wall, with no way out and no escape possible. This is how I feel. Backed up against the wall of my own illusions and facing reality as it is.

I know the fight has been lost. I cannot hold up my cherished illusions any longer or protect them. I have lost the fight against the person I decided to become, carrying all the illusions about himself around and protecting them through the mind and its argumentations. There was and there is no other way than accepting the horrible truth I have become who I am and that I don’t like it. I don’t like being unable to change. I don’t like being dependent on others. I don’t like the need of money and others forms of support to be able to live. I don’t like being responsible for the rape of the planet in order to have internet, a laptop, a car, a stove, electricity, a full fridge, etc. I know these things are not even needed. But I still buy them and I also buy poisoned food in the grocery store, drink poisoned water or beer for the worst, and even breathe toxic air. I throw my trash in the trash bin with no thoughts about where it might end. I buy useless stuff recklessly and without concern for anyone except me. I know this behavior is unsustainable. I know this behavior is irresponsible. I know this behavior is life-threating. And I still cannot stop it. I face all those issues and they are pointing their fingers at me and threatening me like the person in the 7-of-wands-card, but I am not stopping them.  Why in hell do I not stop them? What is my mind making me believe so that I can turn away from this realization over and over and over and keep doing these things? I can’t actually believe I am doing it, but I do. I do it every day and I hate it. I hate it so much that I also hate myself for doing it and want to give up, because I cannot live with who I have become. And if I don’t change now, I am only making things worse. This thought is unbearable. It has nothing to do with intuition. This is naked reality, staring me directly in the face.

Through the Tarot card 7-of-wands I could suddenly see for a moment how I was protecting myself through all this mind chatter that was constantly going on inside my head. And then, synchronistically, I also encountered a few blogs in the creations-journey-to-life-series which pointed out the same issue. Wow, I could not believe this. I was shocked and could not move as if hypnotized by KAA, the snake in The Jungle Book. All of a sudden I knew that I could not continue for one second with who I had become. This was the end. It is over now.

After the initial shock I realized that it was really time now to also reconsider my commitments and become serious about them. The 78-Day Tarot-Challenge was certainly not the way to go. Or maybe it was. Because it actually was good that I followed my intuition and started that reading in wich I pulled a card that opened my eyes. But I realize that there were more important things to take care of. For one thing I realized that the deception of my own mind went deeper than I had ever thought and so my mind needs to be kept under control and closely watched all the time. Because for a moment I could see through some of that self-deception and how, through my commitments, excuses, argumentations and all the stuff going around in my mind I would never be able to stop who I had become and change that. Because I had become the content of my mind. I actually WAS my mind, I AM my mind. I would only be able to change by stopping the mind, stopping the studies, and act. So one very important action would be to do the daily self-forgiveness and writings. And also stop thinking so much and do stuff. Go in the garden and grow some food, do another tarot reading if it suits someone, talk to people about what you already know, and write write write about it whenever the weather is crap and when nobody is around to talk to. But don’t read anymore. Enough reading. Enough of the mind-games and new and interesting ideas to be followed and explored forever and ever until eternity. Support life and stop killing it. That’s more than enough work for many lifetimes to come.

• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed my mind go rampant to keep the illusion of who I am up and unchallenged.
• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to continue my mind-games to hold up the lies I told myself about myself and the world and its problems.
• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see that indeed only physical action, and the stopping of other actions, can stop who I have become if I don’t like that. No argumentations will help.
• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed my mind to re-enforce old thinking patterns and beliefs, like for example the belief that I cannot change, in order to keep my lifelong investment in what I have become stable and unchallenged.
• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to adopt new ideas about who I am and give life to them through my mind, but not my actions.
• I commit myself to stop thinking about ways to change myself or how to do it and actually do it.
• I commit myself to not wait until I have understood more, found out what the right thing to do would be, and actually act now in ways that are best for all.
• I commit myself to stop studying and seeing myself as the Hermit who needs to understand the world before he acts, as that is just another escape into the mind to justify inaction.
• I commit myself to not accept who I have become as that person is not who I want to be.
• I commit myself to not accept who I have become as that person is not supporting life.
• I commit myself to stop consuming things I do not need.
• I commit myself to stop consuming ideas I do not need.
• I commit myself to not ever again drink beer or other forms of alcohol.
• I commit myself to be not so damn serious about the last point concerning  the beer (okay with all other form of alcohol though), because after all I am still only human (lol).
• I commit myself to not try to escape to other countries and build up a self-sustaining life there.
• I commit myself to not escape into mind-games and illusion that stop me from acting.
• I commit myself to stop all escape plans and do what I need to do here and do it now as I already know exactly what to do to support life and not destroy it.

Tag 80: Zweifel am Esoterischen Weg

Vor einigen Tagen hatte ich meine erste Tarot-Legung einer für 78-Tage geplanten Tarot-Herausforderung gelegt und sie hat sogleich wirklich faszinierende Erkenntnisse zu Tage gefördert. Die Legung war äußerst konsistent und klar in ihrer Aussage, dass es mittlerweile nur noch um Schadensbegrenzung in der Welt geht. Die gesamte Menschheit, also auch ich, steht komplett mit leeren Händen da, weil wir die Welt ausgebeutet und zerstört haben und uns unsere noch immer andauernden Aktivitäten mit in den Untergang reißen werden. Das ist nicht mehr aufzuhalten. Es wird passieren. Der Bogen ist überspannt, der Kampf verloren. Das System wird untergehen. Wir stehen mit dem Rücken an der Wand. So die deutliche Aussage der Karte “7-der-Stäbe”.

Was jetzt nicht mehr hilft ist, sein Heil in der Flucht oder die Schuld bei anderen zu suchen. Wir sind alle mit verantwortlich und es gilt jetzt all das los zu lassen, was uns noch an dieses destruktive und zerstörerische System bindet. Das System liegt in einem Todeskampf innerhalb dessen es versuchen wird, jeden Einzelnen von uns weiter zum mitmachen zu zwingen, damit der Untergang doch noch abgewendet werden kann (was aber nicht mehr möglich ist). Und alle die nicht freiwillig dabei mitmachen, sich gegen das System stellen und eine neue Lebensweise suchen, werden denunziert und verfolgt werden. Auch dieser Punkt war in der Legung unmissverständlich.

Mir wurde durch diese Legung sehr klar, dass meine Ausflüchte in Süchte und Depressionen, sowie der Glauben an meine Unzulänglichkeiten und das ständig sich wiederholende auftreten von gefühlten Niederlagen (wieso definiere ich die Geschehnisse als Niederlage?) darin begründet liegt, dass ich die durch diese Legung offenbarten Tatsachen schon lange erkenne, aber nicht auf diese Erkenntnisse reagiere. Meine Erkenntnisse führen nicht zu richtiger Aktion und zu richtigem Verhalten und zwar deswegen nicht, weil ich den Mut nicht aufbringe, das richtige zu tun, oder zu faul dazu bin. Und das ist meine eigentliche Niederlage. Mein fehlender Mut und meine Faulheit sind die Ursache für meine innere Spaltung, die Abtrennung eines Anteils von mir, und zwar des Anteils der Selbstverantwortung übernehmen will und aktiv werden will, dies aber aus Angst vor Unverständnis, Denunziation, Ablehnung, oder möglichem Versagen oder der Befürchtung doch das falsche zu tun (was nicht das-Beste-für-alle ist) eben lieber gar nichts tut.  Und statt das richtige oder auch das falsche zu tun mache ich lieber für die Misere den bösen Staat und die schlafende Gesellschaft verantwortlich. Dabei ist mir klar, dass die “Verantwortlichen dort” eben diese Verantwortung nicht übernehmen und es auch gar nicht können, weil es meine Verantwortung ist, und nicht ihre. Sie können die Verantwortung für ihr Leben sogar noch viel weniger übernehmen als ich. Sie sind noch schwächer, noch mutloser, noch unfähiger, noch unbewusster, als ich. Und gerade deshalb verstecken sie sich hinter dem System, was sie zu ihrem Schutz aufgebaut haben, und was sie brauchen um andere Menschen dazu zu zwingen ihren Lebensunterhalt zu sichern, zu dessen Sicherung sie selber nicht in der Lage sind.

Der einzige Ausweg für mich besteht also in der Annahme dieser Verpflichtung zur Selbstverantwortung für mein Leben und allem was dazu gehört. Das ist notwendig, damit ich meinen Essenskorb wieder füllen kann mit den Gaben der Erde, wobei die Erde gleichzeitig von meinem Wirken profitieren und durch es geheilt werden muss. Nur so, nur wenn hier das-Beste-für-alle ganz im Vordergrund meiner sämtlichen Aktivitäten steht, als alleiniger Grund für mein Handeln, kann es besser werden. Das System wird dagegen steuern, aber es gibt trotzdem keinen anderen Weg in die Zukunft. Das Warten ist zu Ende. Jeder ungenutzte Tag ist ein verlorener Tag. Die Sache ist tot ernst und kann nicht länger auf Morgen vertagt werden. Jetzt muss gehandelt werden.

Kann ich anhand dieser (nicht neuen, sondern sich wiederholenden) Erkenntnisse überhaupt noch an meiner Selbstverpflichtung für 78 Tage lang Tarot-Karten zu legen festhalten? Oder gibt es wichtigere Aufgaben zu erledigen? Nunja, ich komme durch die Beschäftigung mit dem Tarot wenigstens zum tieferen Kontakt mit meiner inneren Welt, was zur Festigung einiger Einsichten und Ansichten führt und der Auflösung von Blockaden beiträgt, sodass ich nicht nur den Mut für den Weg nach vorne finde, sondern auch die Energie für das Voranschreiten. Längere kontemplativen Phasen und die Beschäftigung mit dem Tarot als Hilfsmittel zur Erkenntnis über mich und meine verdeckten Motivationen und Ängste sind wichtig für mich.

• Ich vergebe mir, dass ich es akzeptiert und erlaubt habe, die Beschäftigung mit dem Tarot abzulehnen, weil sie offenbar nichts mit dem zu tun hat, was das-beste-für-alle ist.
• Ich vergebe mir, dass ich es akzeptiert und erlaubt habe, die Beschäftigung mit dem Tarot abzulehnen, weil sie offenbar keinen praktischen Nutzen in Form von physischer Aktivität zum Wohle aller hervorbringt.
• Ich vergebe mir dass ich es akzeptiert und erlaubt habe, mich von den blogs anderer und deren Ideen so stark beeinflussen zu lassen, dass ich deren Weg als meinen angenommen habe, ohne zu erkennen dass jeder von uns auf einem anderen Weg geht, der nur das gleiche Ziel hat, nämlich das-beste-für-alle hervor zu bringen.
• Ich vergebe mir, dass ich es akzeptiert und erlaubt habe zu glauben, dass das Studium des Tarot nichts zum dem beisteuern kann, was das-beste-für-alle hervorbringt.
• Ich vergebe mir, dass ich es akzeptiert und erlaubt habe die Wichtigkeit von Erkenntnissen aus dem Studium des Tarot für mich abzuwerten, nur weil andere Menschen darin keinen Sinn sehen und solche Beschäftigung als spirituelle selbst-Täuschung betrachten, die nicht zu dem führen kann, was das-Beste-für-alle hervorbringt.
• Ich verpflichte mich, das Studium des Tarot für die nächsten Tage in mein tägliches Leben zu integrieren.
• Ich verpflichte mich, weiter an dem 78-Tage plan fest zu halten, und erst nach dem Abschluss der 78-Tage ein Urteil darüber zu fällen, ob dieses tägliche Studium etwas zum Wohle aller hervorgebracht hat.

Tag 79: Meine 78-Tage-Tarot-Herausforderung

Das Jahr klang gestern aus mit einer eher schockierenden Tarot-Legung, die mich doch sehr nachdenklich über meine “blinden Flecke” machte. Offenbar rede ich mir viele Dinge schön und bin auch einigen Süchten verfallen, darunter dem Internet, der Pornografie, und dem Alkohol, die mich energetisch unten und in Depressionen halten. Das hatte ich zwar schon unterbewusst geahnt und teilweise auch gesehen, wollte es aber nicht wirklich wahr haben oder gar ändern und verdrängte diese Erkenntnis daher bisher auch erfolgreich. Dank dem Tarot, welches gerade zu diesen Punkten gestern viel Klarheit gebracht hat, verpflichte ich mich jetzt aber dazu, genau diese Dinge abzustellen.

• Ich vergebe mir, dass ich es akzeptiert und erlaubt habe Dinge wie den Kauf großer Landstücke im Ausland zu planen, oder den Kauf und den Unterhalt und die Pflege eines technisch komplizierten Segelbootes, welche offenbar meine derzeitigen Fähigkeiten übersteigen.
• Ich vergebe mir, dass ich es akzeptiert und erlaubt habe mich den Illusionen eines angenehmen Lebens in der Selbstversorgung auf einem Hektar Land im Ausland (Sizilien, Spanien, Costa Rica, Guatemala, etc.) hinzugeben, ohne die entsprechenden Fähigkeiten mitzubringen, so ein gewaltiges Projekt zu stemmen, sodass ich damit nur scheitern kann und mir damit wieder eine Niederlage generiere, die ich energetisch auskosten kann.
• Ich vergebe mir, dass ich es akzeptiert und erlaubt habe mich der Illusion eines angenehmen Lebens auf einem großen Segelboot hinzugeben, obwohl ich weiß, dass die Pflege und der Unterhalt eines solchen Bootes meine finanziellen Kräfte und meine praktischen Fähigkeiten übersteigen, und ich deswegen mit einem solchen Projekt nur Frustrationen, Depressionen, und Niederlagen hervorrufe, sodass ich mich weiterhin in dem Gefühl von Unfähigkeit und Wertlosigkeit sonnen kann, welche mich aus meiner Kindheit bis heute verfolgen.
• Ich vergebe mir, dass ich es akzeptiert und erlaubt habe, emotionale Niederlagen zwar unbewusst, aber mit großer Konstanz und Sicherheit herbei zu führen, um mich in diesem Gefühl der Niederlage, welches ich aus der Kindheit nur allzu gut kenne, baden zu können. Denn Gefühle der Unzulänglichkeit und der Wertlosigkeit sind mir sehr gut bekannt, da sie mich durch meine gesamte Kindheit hindurch und auch bis heute noch ständig begleiten.
• Ich vergebe mir, dass ich es akzeptiert und erlaubt habe mich unverstanden zu fühlen und in dieser Welt als unfähig zu gelten, anstatt meinen Weg zu gehen, der mir anscheinend immer wieder versagt und vereitelt wird, also in Niederlagen mündet, die ich mit dem Unverständnis anderer und ihrem Gegenwind erkläre, sodass ich mich dadurch immer wieder in die Resignation und Konformität mit dem System zwingen lassen kann, was in Depression, Trägheit, und meinen verschiedenen Süchten (Internet, Pornografie, Alkohol) mündet.
• Ich vergebe mir, dass ich es akzeptiert und erlaubt habe meine selbst hervorgerufenen Niederlagen über Projektionen auf andere zu rechtfertigen und die Schuld dafür dem System oder deren Agenten zu geben, wozu ich eigentlich so gut wie jedermann zähle, aber insbesondere meinen Vater oder auch meine Partnerin.
• Ich vergebe mir, dass ich es akzeptiere und erlaubt habe meine blinden Flecke, die in Projektionen und Rechtfertigungen münden und mich so in meinen destruktiven Mustern gefangen halten, und damit eine Niederlage nach der nächsten herbei führen, durch Verhaltensmuster wie Ignoranz, Verleugnung, Depression und Lethargie, Gedanken wie “nicht-zu-wissen-was-ich-will”, “keinen Plan zu haben”, etc., aufrecht zu halten.
• Ich vergebe mir, dass ich es akzeptiert und erlaubt habe mich in Beziehungen nicht abzugrenzen, sodass jede Beziehung zu einer Belastung für mich wird, die letztendlich auch wieder in einer Niederlage enden muss, sodass ich meine Partnerin für das Scheitern verurteilen kann und nicht akzeptieren muss, dass ich es bin, der hier ein Abgrenzungsproblem hat.
• Ich verpflichte mich, keine intime Beziehung zu einer Frau mehr einzugehen, ohne dass ich meine Abgrenzungsprobleme vorher klar kommuniziere.
• Ich verpflichte mich, eine 78-Tage-Tarot-Herausforderung anzunehmen, sodass ich durch ein das Mittel einer einfachen Tarot-Legung mir weiterhin täglich einen Spiegel vor Augen halten kann, durch den ich weitere meiner Illusionen und meiner blinden Flecke erkennen kann.
• Ich verpflichte mich, für die nächsten 78 Tage weder Facebook zu öffnen, noch Zeit im Internet zu verschwenden, noch mir Pornografie anschauen, noch Bier zu trinken. Mir ist bewusst dass 78 Tage eine lange Zeit sind und ich bisher diese Dinge nicht einmal 7 Tage in Folge aussetzen konnte. Mir ist durch die Legung gestern bewusst, dass ich mir oft zu viel aufbürde, nur um Scheitern zu dürfen. Diesen Punkt werde ich bei der heute beginnenden 78-Tage-Challenge nicht vergessen und genau beobachten. Ich werde also wirklich gut darauf achten, wie ich mich hier durch eine erneute zu hohe Anforderung selber sabotiere, und welche psychischen und physischen Auswirkungen das auf mich hat.
• Ich verpflichte mich, während dieser 78 Tage kein neues Projekt zu starten, sondern mich um meine Gärten und das Tarot als Mittel zur Selbsterkenntnis zu kümmern.
• Ich verpflichte mich, während der nächsten 78 Tage  kleine Brötchen zu backen und Geduld und Ruhe zu bewahren.
• Ich verpflichte mich in Bezug auf eine größere neue Investition in ein neues Projekt auf den richtigen Zeitpunkt zu warten und nicht überstürzt zu handeln.
• Ich verpflichte mich mit all diesen Verpflichtungen heute zu beginnen, sie täglich anzunehmen, und in den nächsten 78-Tagen keine neuen Verpflichtungen hinzuzufügen, um mich nicht selber zu überlasen und in erneute Niederlagen zu verfallen, also diesen destruktiven Prozess zu stoppen und statt auf eine Niederlage hinzuarbeiten diesmal auf Erfolg hin zu wirken und die hier und heute gemachten Verpflichtungen, und nur diese, für 78-Tage anzunehmen und umzusetzen.
• Ich verpflichte mich, während der nächsten 78-Tage, also bis zum ….., besonders die Blockaden, Hindernisse und sabotierenden Gedanken und Gefühle zu protokollieren, die mich vom Festhalten an den hier und heute gemachten Verpflichtungen abhalten wollen, sie als unsinnig, fehlerhaft, irreführend, oder sonstwie definieren, um mich davon abzubringen diese 78 Tage auch durchzuhalten und nichts anderes während dieser 78-Tage zuzulassen, außer der Arbeit in meine Gärten.