Day 18: Taking my time to write

Sometimes, like today, I don’t feel I can write something useful. The Journey-to-Life blog is not supposed to be a diary or a regurgitation of mindless thoughts. It is supposed to have direction and make a point clear. But this takes time. The points that need clarity don’t just pop up. At least not in my head. Prior to developing a point and bring it into clarity, contemplation is needed. I often begin my writing in quite random fashion, just collecting some thoughts on paper or in my computer, and then looking where it leads me and which points show up that grab my attention. I then pick one of these points and try to develop it into a statement and a formulate a directive application.

The point here today is that I find it important that I simply take my time each day to sit and write. I won’t let myself disctract myself by the thought that I don’t have any point to write about today or that other things need my attention more. Such thoughts come up quite often. Also, my entire enviroment (family, friends, people in general) try to pull me back into their stories. They let me know that they don’t understand what I am doing and why I am sitting hours in front of the screen typing while there is so much to do out there. And when I ask them what it is that should be done out there they come up with questions marks in their eyes as if they can’t believe that I am not seeing it myself. They tell me we could talk, I could enjoy the warm weather and the sunshine, we could ride the bike, go to town to stroll around, take a walk, whatever. They cannot believe that I am satisfied with what I am doing and that I neither need them nor their conversations nor any other kind of distraction. It is just the opposite. I want to calm my mind, let my thoughts subside, gain clarity not of thought and in thought but from though, and see and realize what is ‘out there’ apart from thought.

• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe in my thoughts.
• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that my time could be better invested in enjoying physical life rather than sitting in silence to develop a point for my writing my blog.
• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that life could pass me by while I am indulging in my thoughts and my writing instead of participating in what people call “normal life” and its activites.
• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to doubt that I am doing the right thing when I continue sitting in front of my computer and writing my blog and when I refuse to participate in the “normal activities” that others consider to be normal and thus risk being regarded as antisocial or unbearable.
• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am responsible to establish and maintain a nice and supportive personal atmosphere when I am together with people instead of letting them know that I need time for contemplation and writing.
• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compromise my writing based on the idea that I need to be a good companion for others even though I find their activities quite meaningless, egoistic, and merely distractive.
• I commit myself to make time for my writing each and every day and even when I feel that I don’t have much or in fact anything to write about.
• I commit myself to let other people in my environment know about my writing and that I need to do it even if they don’t understand it.
• I commit myself to commit to myself and my process first instead of committing to others.
• I commit myself to not enter into any activies that simply support someones egoistic pursuits (like for example they needing my company to distract themselves through talking) rather than entering into a conversation concerning my reasons for doing so.

Day 17: Releasing the Victim

On day 15 I wrote about self-responsibility and why I felt as a victim and yesterday on day 16 I wrote about my decision to take my life back. I want to continue this train of thought since I feel there is a strong relationship between being confused and the refusal reaction and its release through acceptance and forgiveness as described on day 15, and the following corrective application (deciding to take control) described on day 16.

The confusion and rejection experienced on day 15 were coming exclusively from the mind. It was my entire upbrining and the values that I had acquired during the first 45 years of my life that rebelled against the change in direction that I wanted to implement now in my life. In a clear way this confusion was showing me that I was still holding on to the people, the thoughts, the ideas, the definitions, values and belief systems that had been formed during my life but to which I could not hold on to any longer since they absolutely dont work for me anymore. The new people, thoughts, ideas, definitions, values and belief system fully contradict the old. And I need to make a decision. I cannot follow two contradictory and opposing paths at the same time. This is impossible. But I was refusing to accept the new, even though it makes far more sense. I refused and rebelled against it because I feared it could be too difficult to embark on that new road and into the unknown even though I saw clearly that the old ways did not work at all. So the confusion was about the fact that I knew the old was not working for me and only a change would be able to work, but at the same time was unwilling to let the old go and accept the new even though I knew it was the only path that could work. I was refusing and rejecting new which I knew was true because my mind labelled it as difficult and unbearable even though the way that actually was difficult and unbearable was the old way and not the new. And this caused the confusion. The confusion tried to hold me inside the well-known victim role and my mind rejected its release into self-directed living in honesty.

• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold on to the victim role even to this very day.
• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe in uncertainty, confusion, self-pity, refusal and rejection as the mind without realizing that it would keep me prisoner to the old and outdated victim role.
• I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to let go of the old victim role and all my previous attachments even though they clearly do not work for me anymore.
• I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to embark on the new path of self-honesty and authenticity because of fear of the new and the challenges that might come.
• I commit myself to now embark on the path I see in front of me and follow it through without ever letting my ingrained mind-programs of fear and self-doubt interfere with it again.
• I commit myself to let go of self-doubt, confusion, and fear.
• I commit myself to release the victim role in all areas of my life once and for all.
• I commit myself to let go of the past and all my mental and emotional attachments to it and follow the path that leads to life as life in authenticity and self-honesty.