Day 4: Fear of Desteni and of being discovered

After three days of writing my Journey to Life blog, I had a major breakdown on day 4, which was yesterday. I made it barely through day 3 but on day 4 the tower collapsed. I was not sure anymore why I was writing this blog at all, why I was writing such nonsense (as it suddenly seemed to be), and what I was actually trying to achieve here. I really felt bad not only about having started this process but also about openly sharing my writing. So I closed down my blog yesterday and stopped the process. All I wanted at that point was not bothering anymore and feel good again. Thus I gave into my usual distractive behavior of relaxing in front of the TV and not bothering about anything anymore.

But this did not feel good either. I was totally confused now and had to find out what was going on. So one day later, which is today, I began to again reflect on this unexpected fear attack that made me close down my new Journey to Life blog so suddenly yesterday.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself trying to push my agenda through writing my Journey to Life blog in an attempt to use the blog to convince people of how smart I actually was in that I was able to honestly self reflect on me (for which I was expecting to gain a good amount of recognition and acceptance) instead of using the blog to bring out the truth of me, no matter what my family and friends would think or if anyone would care.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that some of my friends could perhaps find this blog and think I went completely nuts to (a) write such things about me and to (b) hook up with a group like Desteni. Even though I do believe that most of my “friends” (except one maybe) already think that I went completely nuts, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be dishonest to myself about the Desteni message as I now realize that I am not standing fully behind all of the materials presented under the Desteni cover but was afraid to honestly say so, and that I still have doubts here and there about some of it, mostly because it shakes my current view of myself, life, and reality to the core.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let my doubts about the Desteni material affect my writing. I commit myself to remain self-honest under all circumstances, which first and foremost means to be self-honest with myself in the realization that I do not have to align with or believe all of the Desteni materials in order to keep writing my Journey to Life blog. I commit myself to continue the process of writing, which I find to be extremely helpful. I thus forgive myself that I have NOT accepted and allowed myself to realize that my writing, which is worthwhile in itself, is independent of the Desteni message and all the material presented under its cover. I however commit myself to further study the Desteni materials in honesty and commit myself to not accept any of it purely on faith value.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself trying to push my writing too far too quickly in an attempt to gain recognition as a valuable member of the Desteni group and all its members.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to lie through my writing in order to align more properly with the Desteni message so that I would become an accepted and valued member of this group.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to sacrifice self-honesty in my process of daily writing in order to become an accepted member of the Desteni group and thus NOT look at everything, in honesty, that was showing up, including looking at my current beliefs and standing up for them even though they might not be in alignment with Desteni and especially for NOT looking carefully at what happened with my feelings and emotions when I was actually trying to deconstruct my beliefs through the process of writing.